L is for the way you...who the hell knows!

I have never been well versed on matters of the heart. I have always considered myself above relationships. I never thought I needed anyone or anything besides myself to keep me afloat. I always thought intimacy was a philosophy that co-dependent people made up so they did not have to fight the battles and challenges of life alone. In part, I still think that's true. But it truly took having my heart broken to realize how complex love is.

Going to a women's college, I had the luxury of focusing all of my time and energy for four years on my own development and maturity. I knew my passions, goals, and my desires in life. TFA was my first co-ed experience feeling like a grown woman. I knew that Mount Holyoke had helped me development an incredible amount of confidence, strength, and courage. One of the drawbacks was that I never really had an honest to god, pure, physical, crush on anyone before. I was making moves in life and I did not have time to get bogged down with emotions. Then I met him.

For privacy purposes, I am going to call this man Leech (take the symbolism as you will). On paper, this man had everything I was looking for. He was good-looking, funny, out-going, smart, driven, and a generally fun person to be around. More than that, he just seemed different. He was someone I really wanted to get to know. I remember the first time I met him and how I was just amazed how someone outside of Mount Holyoke was able keep me intellectually stimulated. I could continue on about how wonderful I thought he was, but all in all, I was smitten. I had never felt this way about anyone. It's a feeling of happiness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It's crazy!

It was around mid-January when we started seeing each other. I was so excited about it and it was nice escape from the hell I was working in for 13 hours a day. Leech offered me the perfect set-up: no relationship, no labels, we do our own thing, and we just have fun. When we found something else, we had to let the other one know so we could end things. For the first couple of months, it was perfect. I was teaching full time and so was he. In my clouded eyes, we had no time for a relationship. We had no time for emotions. This was going to be an amazing experience... so long as we were honest and open about our intentions. The issue was that we both lied to each other.

My lie was that I could continue to see him and not get emotionally attached to him. Friends with benefits situations do not work if all cards are not put out on the table. I learned through this experience that I want a complete relationship and this was not the way I wanted to do things. But I was so miserable at my school and he was my escape at the end of hell every day. So I kept it going because it provided short term satisfaction. But I learned quickly that I was falling for him more and more as time went on. But I did not have a courage to say it because I knew I was breaking the rules of what we had set up. But, he broke some rules too. His big lie: he had a girlfriend living out of town and she had no idea that he was involved with me.

As much as it embarrasses me to say, we continued to see each other even after the girlfriend came into the picture. I felt so worthless on so many levels. I needed to move on from him for various reasons, but this other woman was the main one. I will not fight over a man, especially someone who clearly does not care about me and my well-being. I alienated a lot of my friends because I could not talk to Leech about my emotions because I knew he didn't care about my feelings. So all I had to share my pain with was my friends. I put them through many nights of sadness and tears. For this, I sincerely apologize. It took about 8 months to say this (and feel free to quote me because it's public) I want to date someone who wants me on a holistic level.

I do not regret my time with Leech. He was the first person to show me that I had walls and I was capable of taking them down. He also showed me all of the things that I do not want in a relationship. He also showed me that I do want intimacy, and its a basic human emotion that everyone desires. It does not make you weak. Finding the right companion that complements you perfectly makes you able to live a happy, more fulfilled life. That is what I want. Leech could not give it to me. I am ready to let him go and find someone else.

I have learned a lot from Leech. I still do not have many answers on love, but I do know this. Finding someone to open up to and share things with is a beautiful thing. I did not get it right this time, but I live in a city with 2.1 million people. I'm ready to dust myself off and try again.

Good-bye Leech. And thank you.