I don't really know why I'm blogging. Most people blog to communicate random anecdotes from abroad experience. Others choose to share their stories from an interesting job such as social work or teaching. I think I am blogging to track my progress in my self-discovery process. I feel like I have lost my way-- and I am going to find my way back.
For the past year of my life, I have been working as a 6th math teacher in one of the worst schools in Houston through Teach For America. Trauma cannot begin to describe the things that I saw this past year. Due to some circumstances that I would rather not discuss, I am no longer in the program and I am no longer teaching. This has been a multi faceted blow to my ego in so many ways. I have always counted myself as being a very successful person who has never experience failure. Now, I have a part-time job at a retail store, and I am looking for a job in a very depressed economy. Not only is the economy depressed, but so am I. I have allowed my depression to dictate my every move and it has allowed for toxic people to enter my life, take advantage of me, and make me feel that they were the best thing I was going to have in my life. This emotional roller coaster has left me completely numb and indifferent about life. I found myself not giving a shit about my actions or the consequences of those actions. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I want to be happy again.
This week, a friend of mine asked me to read her latest blog post. Reading her blog was a pivotal moment for me because her passion and joy for life, after feeling depressed for a long period of time, came shining through the words in her blog. One thing that stuck out to me was when she said: "you are never lonely if you enjoy the person you are alone with. Which made me realize that I needed to become the person that I wanted to spend time with ...And I didn’t want to spend time with a person who was bored and watched Say Yes to the Dress all day." If you replace "Say yes to the dress" with "Intervention," you have describe my life since teaching. I don't want to be this lazy, sloth-like individual anymore.
Today, is the first day of the rest of my life. I am too young to feel useless and lifeless, and I am going to take charge of my life. This blog post is my first step in finding out who I am, why I am in Houston, and what is going to make me feel complete, whole, and well-deserving of happiness again.
hiii nikki, it's nina. i'm living in corpus christi which is not too far from you! if you ever just want to get away, my door is always open! we can go sit on the beach and reminisce about mount holyoke and tell ourselves that everything will work out eventually (because it will!) hope you're doing well!
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