It has been a month since I have blogged. Not because I have been especially busy, but because I did not feel like I have anything worth writing about. My life has been pretty monotonous--- working at my retail job, continuing to reading and cross books off of my list, and continuing to work out and become a more healthy individual physically. It's a very comforting feeling to know that I am taking care of myself and my needs. I have always been a sensitive person who has never dealt with the fact that I was sensitive person. In other words, for a long time, I haven't been coping with emotions. Not coping with emotions leads to a massive build up of emotions which is the most overwhelming experience because you are literally a prisoner of your own mind. I have been finding ways to cope with situations when they happen so that I do not get to the point of where I am lost in my own thoughts and I cannot find my way back. Everyday, I learn something different about how I cope-- sometimes it's for the better. But other times, I do something that I think will make me feel better and it doesn't. Last Friday, I did something that made me feel like I had back tracked on all of the progress that I had made.
For the past week, Leech found his way back into my life and informed me that he broke up with his girlfriend and he was ready to be more sensitive to my needs. After a week of telling him no, I caved last Friday and I saw him. I'll let my readers fill in the blanks from this point on.
For the rest of the weekend, I just could not wrap my head around how I allowed him back into my life. What is so wonderful about someone who does treat you respectfully and appreciate you for the person you are? After everything that he has put me through (the 9 months of mindfucking me and playing games and treating me like I was nothing), how could I do this to myself? Am I certifiable? Am I a sadomasochist? As these questions are running through my mind, I realized something. I have never asked myself these questions before. I need to find out why I went back.
Friday, I was feeling so vulnerable about everything that was going on in my life that he seemed like the proper comfort. While I was teaching, he was a short-term form of comfort, so I was ready to take the little bit of happiness he was going to provide for me. But, in the end, he didn't give me any of that. I woke up feeling like I had worked so hard to get over my anger towards him, and I just backtracked about 10,000 steps. But at the end of it all, one thought was constantly with me--- this is not what I deserve and I want something better. Something more meaningful and something that will make me feel good about myself. Leech does not make me feel anything of those things.
This was the last time Leech will be making any kind of appearance in my life. I think it is going to be awhile before I let someone in my life in a similar capacity. I have never been a serious relationship, but I do not think that I am ready for one just yet. I think I am ready to enjoy being single. For a long time, I have been single and looking for a relationship. Then I recognized that constantly looking for a relationship and being a serial dater are the same thing. Both situations mean that you are not content with who you are. I want to accept myself for who I am and see the wonderful things my friends see in me when I look in the mirror. I want to continue to find out things about myself and become the person I enjoy spending time with. Being alone does not mean being lonely. When I feel that I am content with myself, that's when I will be able to recognize the characteristics and traits of what a relationship looks like to me. But, not before.
I needed to see Leech one last time to completely understand that he has not changed. He WILL not change for me. I hope that he finds someone special. He deserves that. We all do. I want to find someone nice who will treat me with the respect I deserve. But, I need to treat myself with respect and dignity first before I can expect someone else to reciprocate.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Lessons from Troy Davis
I have always been a person who wore their emotions on their sleeve. I am the first person to cry at a sad movie, when I watch someone get married, or at a funeral. When mass tragedy strikes, such as 9-11 or Hurricane Katrina, these feelings get exacerbated. I cry and get extremely depressed because I am so ashamed to co-exist on a planet where people are abused and treated in such a heinous capacity. I remember when 9-11 happened. I went to school the next day for about an hour because I cried all through class and the guidance counselor called my mother and she had to take me home. My senior year of high school, while watching footage of Hurricane Katrina on CNN, I cried for days about it. I think my tears came from feeling an extreme sense of empathy and compassion. But, like most other people, I let the tears dry on their own, and I moved on with my life.
The death of Troy Davis has left me with vast set of sentiments. As I write this, with tears streaming down my face, so many emotions run through me. One emotion is complete sadness and heartache for the family of Troy Davis. I cannot image what it would be like to lose a loved one to such an unfair, racist, and bureaucratic judicial system that entitles every citizen to "due process." Another thought that runs through me is anger and embarrassment. I love my country for so many reasons, but my patriotism is never blinded to the gaps and holes that our country has in its systems. This is clearly one of them. I personally believe that the capital punishment is immoral, especially for this reason. Troy Davis's case got all of this media attention, but who is speaking for the other prisoners who are on death row for crimes they did not commit? How many other Troy Davises are out there, waiting for their last meals and to be read their last rites? I also feel complete embarrassment on my behalf and the other millions of citizens that live in this country. Troy Davis has been in jail since the early 1990s, so where was all of the commotion about the injustice then? Why does it take for witching hour to strike for self-absorbed, self-centered citizens (myself included) to get invested in this tragic story? It makes me feel guilty, and that perhaps, my empathy and compassion are not as deep as I credit them to be.
There are many lessons to be taken away from the Troy Davis story. Besides, the clear injustice in our prison system, there are lessons for every day citizens to take away from this. For teachers that go into the inner city every day, remember you are teaching a room full of students that have a strong possibility of leading down the path of Troy Davis (who dropped out of high school his junior year). Please think about this, especially on your worst days. Society has places for these kids to go to. If it's not prison, it's to the morgue. Being a former teacher, I know that on those hard days, you don't think you are doing anything for anyone in your classroom. But, you are. Just by being there, you are providing support and possibilities for them everyday. You do amazing things, and the world owes you a lot because it takes a special person to go into depressed neighborhoods and try to make a difference.
As for me, I am going to learn to channel my compassion and emotion into action. I have been unhappy in my current employment situation mainly because I feel like I am not making a difference in the lives of anyone anymore. I can change this. I am going to take my passion and ensure that I am speaking up for what I believe in. This strong, politically driven Mount Holyoke woman does not just have critiques and complaints anymore. I cannot expect the world to change if I sit at home and watch Intervention and The Cosby Show all day.
To call Troy Davis's story injust is an understatement. But, I challenge all of the people who were moved, affected, or angered by his story to always remember that feeling. Remember the consequences of silence, and that your voice has the potential to change things. But, we cannot do this at the last minute, we must fight inequality at all steps. I vow to continue to stay informed---by reading the paper, forming opinions, articulating my thoughts to others, critiquing my opinions, and actively challenging authority when I disagree.
It may not change the world. But, at least I know I'm doing something.
The death of Troy Davis has left me with vast set of sentiments. As I write this, with tears streaming down my face, so many emotions run through me. One emotion is complete sadness and heartache for the family of Troy Davis. I cannot image what it would be like to lose a loved one to such an unfair, racist, and bureaucratic judicial system that entitles every citizen to "due process." Another thought that runs through me is anger and embarrassment. I love my country for so many reasons, but my patriotism is never blinded to the gaps and holes that our country has in its systems. This is clearly one of them. I personally believe that the capital punishment is immoral, especially for this reason. Troy Davis's case got all of this media attention, but who is speaking for the other prisoners who are on death row for crimes they did not commit? How many other Troy Davises are out there, waiting for their last meals and to be read their last rites? I also feel complete embarrassment on my behalf and the other millions of citizens that live in this country. Troy Davis has been in jail since the early 1990s, so where was all of the commotion about the injustice then? Why does it take for witching hour to strike for self-absorbed, self-centered citizens (myself included) to get invested in this tragic story? It makes me feel guilty, and that perhaps, my empathy and compassion are not as deep as I credit them to be.
There are many lessons to be taken away from the Troy Davis story. Besides, the clear injustice in our prison system, there are lessons for every day citizens to take away from this. For teachers that go into the inner city every day, remember you are teaching a room full of students that have a strong possibility of leading down the path of Troy Davis (who dropped out of high school his junior year). Please think about this, especially on your worst days. Society has places for these kids to go to. If it's not prison, it's to the morgue. Being a former teacher, I know that on those hard days, you don't think you are doing anything for anyone in your classroom. But, you are. Just by being there, you are providing support and possibilities for them everyday. You do amazing things, and the world owes you a lot because it takes a special person to go into depressed neighborhoods and try to make a difference.
As for me, I am going to learn to channel my compassion and emotion into action. I have been unhappy in my current employment situation mainly because I feel like I am not making a difference in the lives of anyone anymore. I can change this. I am going to take my passion and ensure that I am speaking up for what I believe in. This strong, politically driven Mount Holyoke woman does not just have critiques and complaints anymore. I cannot expect the world to change if I sit at home and watch Intervention and The Cosby Show all day.
To call Troy Davis's story injust is an understatement. But, I challenge all of the people who were moved, affected, or angered by his story to always remember that feeling. Remember the consequences of silence, and that your voice has the potential to change things. But, we cannot do this at the last minute, we must fight inequality at all steps. I vow to continue to stay informed---by reading the paper, forming opinions, articulating my thoughts to others, critiquing my opinions, and actively challenging authority when I disagree.
It may not change the world. But, at least I know I'm doing something.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
When I Get There
Yesterday, I woke up with an "attitude." Not a rude attitude, but more like a funk (people who know me, know that I rarely get like that). As the day continued, the "attitude" got worse. Although I had been trying to make the best of my situation, yesterday, I broke down completely. I know I'm not perfect, I have no idea what I have ever done so terribly to deserve all of this misfortune. I do not deserve to not have a full time job, I do not deserve to not continue on in education, like the rest of the people I know in Houston, and I do not deserve to feel like I am wasting my life by doing nothing. I really try to not get caught up in the negative. I desperately try to focus on making myself healthy, happy, and complete. Some days it is harder to do this than others and yesterday was a HARD day.
After a traumatic experience, like what I went through last year, starting over and rebuilding my life seems like the most daunting experience ever imaginable. From my professional life to my love life, I feel like I am hitting the "reset button" on myself and I am exploring everything about me, asking myself some really reflective questions: What do I want to do with my life? Am I really enjoying all of this free time? Should I go back home? Should I move to another city, like Austin or New Orleans? Should I go back to school? It's a lot to handle! I do not have any answers to these questions, yet. But, I know they will come with time. Despite this jumble of feelings. one thing is explicitly clear---- this past year has drastically changed me and I have no choice but to rebuild my life. This blog post is dedicated to my exploration into three words that I feel best describe my current situation in Houston: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The Good. I have really great days--- days where I feel like all I need is my retail job, hot yoga, reading, and a good glass of red wine to make it in this world. These days are amazing for so many reasons. On these days, hot yoga makes me feel ready to conquer anything that comes my way and my retail job lets me build some awesome relationships with my clients and my co-workers. These days also involve me getting in my chair with a cup of green tea, a blanket, and reading a book. There is no greater feeling than getting lost in an amazing story and forgetting the time. Those days are amazing. I have not had time to just enjoy the simple things in life in a long time. For little to no money, on these days, I feel like I am slowly coming back to the person I lost last year. I am becoming someone I enjoy spending time with.
The Bad. Then, there are days where I look at my $200,000 degree and wonder if I will make use of my invaluable education and the various talents I have to offer an employer. These are the days that I am absolutely disgusted that I got screwed by a mission I was once so proud to be a part of. These are the days that the jealousy that I have for my friends, who are able to continue with what they came to Houston, for flares up. These are the days that I throw myself into my books or exercise, and try not to get upset that I am not doing the "bigger and better" things I deserve to be doing. On these days, I wonder if I should pack up my belongings into my car, and just drive out of Houston and out of the misery.
The Ugly. The absolute worst are the days that I miss my kids with a deep pain and want more than anything to run to the nearest school and impact children again. How is it possible that despite how awful last year was, that all I want to do is work with children is some way? Last year made me want to run away from all schools. I am convinced that if I walked into any school, at this moment, I would have a panic attack. How ironic is it that I still want to find a way to work with children? How do I channel the passion that I have for educational equity that this organization has fostered in me without feeling angry with them? That's a hard pill to swallow--how do I get over the trauma of last year and try to work with children again? These are the worst days because I can only identify these feelings with one word: confusion.
It took me writing this blog post to realize that I have a lot of feelings and emotions bottled up inside me. It also made me realize that I am dedicated to sorting all of my feelings out. I am going to channel all of my emotions, hesitations, and anxieties into making my life bigger and better than before. It is a hard road to walk on, and yesterday made that irrevocably clear. But I have a feeling that something amazing is waiting for me on the other side. Finding out who you are is not going to be pretty all of the time, but it's a process that everyone has to go through in their lives, especially when your monotonous lifestyle in turned upside down suddenly. But, I know that I am going to be a better person for this. I am exploring all aspects of my life and asking myself honest and hard questions. But, I know it's all going to work out in the end. In the words of Lupe Fiasco: "I know I have flaws, I know I am not perfect. But, all of the ups and downs will be worth it... when I get there."
After a traumatic experience, like what I went through last year, starting over and rebuilding my life seems like the most daunting experience ever imaginable. From my professional life to my love life, I feel like I am hitting the "reset button" on myself and I am exploring everything about me, asking myself some really reflective questions: What do I want to do with my life? Am I really enjoying all of this free time? Should I go back home? Should I move to another city, like Austin or New Orleans? Should I go back to school? It's a lot to handle! I do not have any answers to these questions, yet. But, I know they will come with time. Despite this jumble of feelings. one thing is explicitly clear---- this past year has drastically changed me and I have no choice but to rebuild my life. This blog post is dedicated to my exploration into three words that I feel best describe my current situation in Houston: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The Good. I have really great days--- days where I feel like all I need is my retail job, hot yoga, reading, and a good glass of red wine to make it in this world. These days are amazing for so many reasons. On these days, hot yoga makes me feel ready to conquer anything that comes my way and my retail job lets me build some awesome relationships with my clients and my co-workers. These days also involve me getting in my chair with a cup of green tea, a blanket, and reading a book. There is no greater feeling than getting lost in an amazing story and forgetting the time. Those days are amazing. I have not had time to just enjoy the simple things in life in a long time. For little to no money, on these days, I feel like I am slowly coming back to the person I lost last year. I am becoming someone I enjoy spending time with.
The Bad. Then, there are days where I look at my $200,000 degree and wonder if I will make use of my invaluable education and the various talents I have to offer an employer. These are the days that I am absolutely disgusted that I got screwed by a mission I was once so proud to be a part of. These are the days that the jealousy that I have for my friends, who are able to continue with what they came to Houston, for flares up. These are the days that I throw myself into my books or exercise, and try not to get upset that I am not doing the "bigger and better" things I deserve to be doing. On these days, I wonder if I should pack up my belongings into my car, and just drive out of Houston and out of the misery.
The Ugly. The absolute worst are the days that I miss my kids with a deep pain and want more than anything to run to the nearest school and impact children again. How is it possible that despite how awful last year was, that all I want to do is work with children is some way? Last year made me want to run away from all schools. I am convinced that if I walked into any school, at this moment, I would have a panic attack. How ironic is it that I still want to find a way to work with children? How do I channel the passion that I have for educational equity that this organization has fostered in me without feeling angry with them? That's a hard pill to swallow--how do I get over the trauma of last year and try to work with children again? These are the worst days because I can only identify these feelings with one word: confusion.
It took me writing this blog post to realize that I have a lot of feelings and emotions bottled up inside me. It also made me realize that I am dedicated to sorting all of my feelings out. I am going to channel all of my emotions, hesitations, and anxieties into making my life bigger and better than before. It is a hard road to walk on, and yesterday made that irrevocably clear. But I have a feeling that something amazing is waiting for me on the other side. Finding out who you are is not going to be pretty all of the time, but it's a process that everyone has to go through in their lives, especially when your monotonous lifestyle in turned upside down suddenly. But, I know that I am going to be a better person for this. I am exploring all aspects of my life and asking myself honest and hard questions. But, I know it's all going to work out in the end. In the words of Lupe Fiasco: "I know I have flaws, I know I am not perfect. But, all of the ups and downs will be worth it... when I get there."
Friday, September 9, 2011
Book 1 of 100: Lessons from Charlotte's Web
Before I had a job that consumed me, I considered myself an avid reader. Some of my fondest memories include my mother taking my brother and me to Barnes and Noble. She would go to the adult fiction section to escape from single parenthood for a few hours and I would take Peter to the children's sections and we would sit in one spot and just read. I owe my passion for learning and reading to my family-- it's these moments that I had growing up that have shaped me into a life-long learner and reader. I am indebted to my mother and brother for that.
One of my goals for my life to always keep my love of reading alive, no matter what the circumstance. So I have decided to read all of the books on The Observer's List of 100 Greatest Novels of All Time. I decided to not go in their order, but start with the books that I wanted to read first. (full list here: 100 Greatest Novels of All Time)
Some of the books I have read before, but most of them I had not read. I made the decision to re-read the ones that I had read before, for the sake of a different perspective. Reading a book that you read when you were 8, 12, 16, or even 18 is very different from reading it at age 23. As you learn more about the world, you can read these books and take away different themes and lessons. For this reason, I decided to tackle the children's books first. My first read was Charlotte's Web-- a book I had not picked up since I was about 10 years old. At age 10, I did not understand how amazing this book was. I liked it because it was about a pig and spider and it was engaging enough. It took me about 2 hours to read it (give or take my twitter/facebook breaks) and when I was done with it I found tears in my eyes. It's a beautiful book that I did not fully understand until I read it at age 23.
This book is about unconditional love and friendship. Wilbur and Charlotte have a friendship that most humans spend their whole lives looking for. Charlotte's loyalty and devotion to Wilbur gets me emotional. After putting this book down, I understood that in order to truly love someone unconditionally, you have to accept their flaws and still be there for them no matter what. Through the hardships and unbearable moments in life, your true friends (the "Charlottes" in your life) will always be there for you. I vow to be this person for my friends--- I vow to work everyday to be a Charlotte. Charlotte's unconditional support and devotion is truly an amazing sight to see. Everyone in the world should work to be a "Charlotte" for their loved ones.
I am so excited to return this book to the library. I hope that the next person who reads it gets the same lessons out of it that I did whether they are 8 or 98. I am so happy I picked this book first to read because it has inspired to keep going on my reading quest. 1 down, 99 more to go!
One of my goals for my life to always keep my love of reading alive, no matter what the circumstance. So I have decided to read all of the books on The Observer's List of 100 Greatest Novels of All Time. I decided to not go in their order, but start with the books that I wanted to read first. (full list here: 100 Greatest Novels of All Time)
Some of the books I have read before, but most of them I had not read. I made the decision to re-read the ones that I had read before, for the sake of a different perspective. Reading a book that you read when you were 8, 12, 16, or even 18 is very different from reading it at age 23. As you learn more about the world, you can read these books and take away different themes and lessons. For this reason, I decided to tackle the children's books first. My first read was Charlotte's Web-- a book I had not picked up since I was about 10 years old. At age 10, I did not understand how amazing this book was. I liked it because it was about a pig and spider and it was engaging enough. It took me about 2 hours to read it (give or take my twitter/facebook breaks) and when I was done with it I found tears in my eyes. It's a beautiful book that I did not fully understand until I read it at age 23.
This book is about unconditional love and friendship. Wilbur and Charlotte have a friendship that most humans spend their whole lives looking for. Charlotte's loyalty and devotion to Wilbur gets me emotional. After putting this book down, I understood that in order to truly love someone unconditionally, you have to accept their flaws and still be there for them no matter what. Through the hardships and unbearable moments in life, your true friends (the "Charlottes" in your life) will always be there for you. I vow to be this person for my friends--- I vow to work everyday to be a Charlotte. Charlotte's unconditional support and devotion is truly an amazing sight to see. Everyone in the world should work to be a "Charlotte" for their loved ones.
I am so excited to return this book to the library. I hope that the next person who reads it gets the same lessons out of it that I did whether they are 8 or 98. I am so happy I picked this book first to read because it has inspired to keep going on my reading quest. 1 down, 99 more to go!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Eat, Pray, Love-- Texas Edition
In this country, there is a very traditional definition for "success." You follow one institution after another, until your hair turns grey and you walk out of your final career at age 65 with the money from your 401k that you had been saving since you started working at age 22. For me, I thought this was the path that I was going to take. I have counted myself as a "successful" person-- but I have always been a workaholic and a walking ball of stress. Last year was the year that I cracked. I looked in the mirror, and I did not like the person that was staring back at me. I had acne all over my face, raccoon eyes, my body ballooning up because I was not taking care of myself, and my eyes were red because I often woke up crying because I did not want to go to school. This fatigued and jaded feeling carried with me all day long---it never got any better. I could not recognize myself at all. This was not the Nikki I wanted to be--- this Nikki could not pick herself up in challenging situations anymore, this Nikki could not recognize unhealthy relationships, and this Nikki was just barely functioning. I made bad choices because I trying to find some type of short term happiness in a horrible situation. I knew I lost myself and I just desperately needed to get myself back.
This hiatus, although somewhat forced upon me, has been the best thing that has ever happened. I feel happy-- a statement that I could not make since I graduated from Mount Holyoke in 2010. I feel myself enjoying the present and enjoying just---being. I love doing things that make me happy. I get up every morning and I smile because I know that everyday is a gift and I am truly blessed to have this time to discover myself. I love going to work and knowing that when I leave, I have the rest of the day to do things for myself. I have started reading paper again. I have started reading books from The Observer's List of Greatest Novels of All Time. I love that I am expanding my mind and learning more and more. I am a smart and driven individual. I forgot it for a while, but I am slowly feeling the passion that I have for learning and being a student of the world coming back to me. I am learning how to love--- how to love myself and how to love others with a deeper passion than I have ever had before.
This notion of "finding yourself" is perceived by the majority of society to be completely flighty because many Americans have a mentality of working until your computer screen gets blurry and you develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I am feel like I am participating in my own version of Eat, Pray, Love--Texas Edition. I am so fortunate that I have this time to re-charge my batteries and get healthy (mentally and physically). I am so fortunate that I have found hot yoga and it has helped me get to a place where I am enjoying my body and appreciating all of the wonderful things that it has done for me, and will continue to do for me. As always, I am so fortunate that I have had my friends and family constantly by my side. Even when I couldn't see it, you all always knew that I deserved the best. Most importantly, you all taught me that people who couldn't see how special I was, should be shown the door. Thank you for that.
Am I out of the woods yet? No. But everyday, I feel my life getting better and better. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to discover Nikki. I am learning everyday that I am a beautiful, complex, smart, funny, charismatic, and caring person. I forgot it for a year, but I am coming back with a vengeance.
This hiatus, although somewhat forced upon me, has been the best thing that has ever happened. I feel happy-- a statement that I could not make since I graduated from Mount Holyoke in 2010. I feel myself enjoying the present and enjoying just---being. I love doing things that make me happy. I get up every morning and I smile because I know that everyday is a gift and I am truly blessed to have this time to discover myself. I love going to work and knowing that when I leave, I have the rest of the day to do things for myself. I have started reading paper again. I have started reading books from The Observer's List of Greatest Novels of All Time. I love that I am expanding my mind and learning more and more. I am a smart and driven individual. I forgot it for a while, but I am slowly feeling the passion that I have for learning and being a student of the world coming back to me. I am learning how to love--- how to love myself and how to love others with a deeper passion than I have ever had before.
This notion of "finding yourself" is perceived by the majority of society to be completely flighty because many Americans have a mentality of working until your computer screen gets blurry and you develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I am feel like I am participating in my own version of Eat, Pray, Love--Texas Edition. I am so fortunate that I have this time to re-charge my batteries and get healthy (mentally and physically). I am so fortunate that I have found hot yoga and it has helped me get to a place where I am enjoying my body and appreciating all of the wonderful things that it has done for me, and will continue to do for me. As always, I am so fortunate that I have had my friends and family constantly by my side. Even when I couldn't see it, you all always knew that I deserved the best. Most importantly, you all taught me that people who couldn't see how special I was, should be shown the door. Thank you for that.
Am I out of the woods yet? No. But everyday, I feel my life getting better and better. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to discover Nikki. I am learning everyday that I am a beautiful, complex, smart, funny, charismatic, and caring person. I forgot it for a year, but I am coming back with a vengeance.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Blue in Green
Despite the fact that I am not in TFA anymore, I do not regret my move to Houston. I have made some awesome friends and I have learned so much about myself. As my cousin told me once: "How well you do in life depends on how you bounce back from the curve balls it throws you." I truly believe that, and this is the first time that I have never had a plan in life and I am literally making it up as I go along. Living in the moment is something that I am not used to, but it's a skill that I believe is absolutely essential for life. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and the way you handle those curves only makes your stronger.
Enough of the idealistic banter for now--- this post is not about being strong or being a survivor. This blog post is a confession post. While on my hiatus, I learned something very interesting about myself that I did not know. Or maybe I did know, but never had the time to address the sentiment. It's a character trait that is not appealing at all and I am kind of embarrassed to admit to my readers, but when I made the decision to blog I made the choice to be open and completely honest with myself... so here it goes.
I am a jealous/ envious person. Maybe for my good friends this does not come as a shock to them, but it certainly came as a shock to me. This was something I didn't know about myself until recently. I am jealous of a lot of things: 1) I am jealous of all of my friends that have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of their students with the support they were promised and I cannot say the same thing. 2) I am jealous of people like Leech (see my last blog post) who have the ability to be so sure of themselves and can do things without always thinking about how their actions affect others ( I don't want to be like this all the time (because he is a bastard with no soul--- but it would be nice to say "no" to people once in a while). 3) For a long time, seeing Leech with other girls at bars and social events would make me very jealous (because I knew deep down he had no attachment to me and I did not like that) 4) I am jealous of people who know what they want and can just go after it with no inhibitions or hesitations. 5) I am jealous of people who have a good relationship with their fathers 6) I am jealous of people who have a "friend" relationship with their siblings (this one--- my brother has autism and is the sweetest, most good natured person I know on this earth and I would not trade him in for anything).
Thinking about this character flaw that is perceived by the majority of society to be completely heinous, I realized something very important about jealousy--- it isn't always a bad thing. One thing about being a jealous person is that it constantly keeps you aware of your feelings. Even though most of my friends are continuing on with the mission that they initially came to Houston for, I have the luxury of knowing that whatever career I go into next MUST make me feel like I am making a difference. That's how I got attracted to pursuing a career in nursing. My friends are doing a great thing everyday in their classrooms, and I feel like an outsider sometimes not being able to be a part of it, but I know that I am on a different path. Am I still jealous of them? Yes. Am I angry? No. I am doing something different and that's OK.
As for Leech, I know the consequences of keeping your feelings inside and not expressing them. Had I been honest with myself in March, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and disappointment and I would not be here, on September 1st dealing with these emotions. Am I angry at Leech? Yes at times. Do I still think he is soulless? Yes. Does he deserve to be happy? Yes. Do I deserve to be happy? Yes. Can we be happy together? Absolutely not, mainly because he is trif and has a girlfriend who he has never been faithful to and I require monogamy. His ability to put himself before all others is completely selfish, but selfishness isn't always a bad thing. I could learn to be more selfish (or maybe the word I am looking for is self-aware), but I will never be the Leech version of selfish-- which is being so selfish that you hurt other people. I vow to be self-aware, but never hurt people in the process. In the words of a dear friend of mine, " I'm still gonna do me."
I guess you could say I have the ability to be "green with envy." But it's a gift and a curse. I working everyday to make sure that when I feel that hint of jealousy flare up, I understand why I am feeling that way, and the things that I can do to be happy. It's a part of my character. I don't know if it will ever go away, but its something that I can learn to live with and use as a tool to make active changes in my life.
Enough of the idealistic banter for now--- this post is not about being strong or being a survivor. This blog post is a confession post. While on my hiatus, I learned something very interesting about myself that I did not know. Or maybe I did know, but never had the time to address the sentiment. It's a character trait that is not appealing at all and I am kind of embarrassed to admit to my readers, but when I made the decision to blog I made the choice to be open and completely honest with myself... so here it goes.
I am a jealous/ envious person. Maybe for my good friends this does not come as a shock to them, but it certainly came as a shock to me. This was something I didn't know about myself until recently. I am jealous of a lot of things: 1) I am jealous of all of my friends that have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of their students with the support they were promised and I cannot say the same thing. 2) I am jealous of people like Leech (see my last blog post) who have the ability to be so sure of themselves and can do things without always thinking about how their actions affect others ( I don't want to be like this all the time (because he is a bastard with no soul--- but it would be nice to say "no" to people once in a while). 3) For a long time, seeing Leech with other girls at bars and social events would make me very jealous (because I knew deep down he had no attachment to me and I did not like that) 4) I am jealous of people who know what they want and can just go after it with no inhibitions or hesitations. 5) I am jealous of people who have a good relationship with their fathers 6) I am jealous of people who have a "friend" relationship with their siblings (this one--- my brother has autism and is the sweetest, most good natured person I know on this earth and I would not trade him in for anything).
Thinking about this character flaw that is perceived by the majority of society to be completely heinous, I realized something very important about jealousy--- it isn't always a bad thing. One thing about being a jealous person is that it constantly keeps you aware of your feelings. Even though most of my friends are continuing on with the mission that they initially came to Houston for, I have the luxury of knowing that whatever career I go into next MUST make me feel like I am making a difference. That's how I got attracted to pursuing a career in nursing. My friends are doing a great thing everyday in their classrooms, and I feel like an outsider sometimes not being able to be a part of it, but I know that I am on a different path. Am I still jealous of them? Yes. Am I angry? No. I am doing something different and that's OK.
As for Leech, I know the consequences of keeping your feelings inside and not expressing them. Had I been honest with myself in March, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and disappointment and I would not be here, on September 1st dealing with these emotions. Am I angry at Leech? Yes at times. Do I still think he is soulless? Yes. Does he deserve to be happy? Yes. Do I deserve to be happy? Yes. Can we be happy together? Absolutely not, mainly because he is trif and has a girlfriend who he has never been faithful to and I require monogamy. His ability to put himself before all others is completely selfish, but selfishness isn't always a bad thing. I could learn to be more selfish (or maybe the word I am looking for is self-aware), but I will never be the Leech version of selfish-- which is being so selfish that you hurt other people. I vow to be self-aware, but never hurt people in the process. In the words of a dear friend of mine, " I'm still gonna do me."
I guess you could say I have the ability to be "green with envy." But it's a gift and a curse. I working everyday to make sure that when I feel that hint of jealousy flare up, I understand why I am feeling that way, and the things that I can do to be happy. It's a part of my character. I don't know if it will ever go away, but its something that I can learn to live with and use as a tool to make active changes in my life.
Monday, August 29, 2011
L is for the way you...who the hell knows!
I have never been well versed on matters of the heart. I have always considered myself above relationships. I never thought I needed anyone or anything besides myself to keep me afloat. I always thought intimacy was a philosophy that co-dependent people made up so they did not have to fight the battles and challenges of life alone. In part, I still think that's true. But it truly took having my heart broken to realize how complex love is.
Going to a women's college, I had the luxury of focusing all of my time and energy for four years on my own development and maturity. I knew my passions, goals, and my desires in life. TFA was my first co-ed experience feeling like a grown woman. I knew that Mount Holyoke had helped me development an incredible amount of confidence, strength, and courage. One of the drawbacks was that I never really had an honest to god, pure, physical, crush on anyone before. I was making moves in life and I did not have time to get bogged down with emotions. Then I met him.
For privacy purposes, I am going to call this man Leech (take the symbolism as you will). On paper, this man had everything I was looking for. He was good-looking, funny, out-going, smart, driven, and a generally fun person to be around. More than that, he just seemed different. He was someone I really wanted to get to know. I remember the first time I met him and how I was just amazed how someone outside of Mount Holyoke was able keep me intellectually stimulated. I could continue on about how wonderful I thought he was, but all in all, I was smitten. I had never felt this way about anyone. It's a feeling of happiness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It's crazy!
It was around mid-January when we started seeing each other. I was so excited about it and it was nice escape from the hell I was working in for 13 hours a day. Leech offered me the perfect set-up: no relationship, no labels, we do our own thing, and we just have fun. When we found something else, we had to let the other one know so we could end things. For the first couple of months, it was perfect. I was teaching full time and so was he. In my clouded eyes, we had no time for a relationship. We had no time for emotions. This was going to be an amazing experience... so long as we were honest and open about our intentions. The issue was that we both lied to each other.
My lie was that I could continue to see him and not get emotionally attached to him. Friends with benefits situations do not work if all cards are not put out on the table. I learned through this experience that I want a complete relationship and this was not the way I wanted to do things. But I was so miserable at my school and he was my escape at the end of hell every day. So I kept it going because it provided short term satisfaction. But I learned quickly that I was falling for him more and more as time went on. But I did not have a courage to say it because I knew I was breaking the rules of what we had set up. But, he broke some rules too. His big lie: he had a girlfriend living out of town and she had no idea that he was involved with me.
As much as it embarrasses me to say, we continued to see each other even after the girlfriend came into the picture. I felt so worthless on so many levels. I needed to move on from him for various reasons, but this other woman was the main one. I will not fight over a man, especially someone who clearly does not care about me and my well-being. I alienated a lot of my friends because I could not talk to Leech about my emotions because I knew he didn't care about my feelings. So all I had to share my pain with was my friends. I put them through many nights of sadness and tears. For this, I sincerely apologize. It took about 8 months to say this (and feel free to quote me because it's public) I want to date someone who wants me on a holistic level.
I do not regret my time with Leech. He was the first person to show me that I had walls and I was capable of taking them down. He also showed me all of the things that I do not want in a relationship. He also showed me that I do want intimacy, and its a basic human emotion that everyone desires. It does not make you weak. Finding the right companion that complements you perfectly makes you able to live a happy, more fulfilled life. That is what I want. Leech could not give it to me. I am ready to let him go and find someone else.
I have learned a lot from Leech. I still do not have many answers on love, but I do know this. Finding someone to open up to and share things with is a beautiful thing. I did not get it right this time, but I live in a city with 2.1 million people. I'm ready to dust myself off and try again.
Good-bye Leech. And thank you.
Going to a women's college, I had the luxury of focusing all of my time and energy for four years on my own development and maturity. I knew my passions, goals, and my desires in life. TFA was my first co-ed experience feeling like a grown woman. I knew that Mount Holyoke had helped me development an incredible amount of confidence, strength, and courage. One of the drawbacks was that I never really had an honest to god, pure, physical, crush on anyone before. I was making moves in life and I did not have time to get bogged down with emotions. Then I met him.
For privacy purposes, I am going to call this man Leech (take the symbolism as you will). On paper, this man had everything I was looking for. He was good-looking, funny, out-going, smart, driven, and a generally fun person to be around. More than that, he just seemed different. He was someone I really wanted to get to know. I remember the first time I met him and how I was just amazed how someone outside of Mount Holyoke was able keep me intellectually stimulated. I could continue on about how wonderful I thought he was, but all in all, I was smitten. I had never felt this way about anyone. It's a feeling of happiness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It's crazy!
It was around mid-January when we started seeing each other. I was so excited about it and it was nice escape from the hell I was working in for 13 hours a day. Leech offered me the perfect set-up: no relationship, no labels, we do our own thing, and we just have fun. When we found something else, we had to let the other one know so we could end things. For the first couple of months, it was perfect. I was teaching full time and so was he. In my clouded eyes, we had no time for a relationship. We had no time for emotions. This was going to be an amazing experience... so long as we were honest and open about our intentions. The issue was that we both lied to each other.
My lie was that I could continue to see him and not get emotionally attached to him. Friends with benefits situations do not work if all cards are not put out on the table. I learned through this experience that I want a complete relationship and this was not the way I wanted to do things. But I was so miserable at my school and he was my escape at the end of hell every day. So I kept it going because it provided short term satisfaction. But I learned quickly that I was falling for him more and more as time went on. But I did not have a courage to say it because I knew I was breaking the rules of what we had set up. But, he broke some rules too. His big lie: he had a girlfriend living out of town and she had no idea that he was involved with me.
As much as it embarrasses me to say, we continued to see each other even after the girlfriend came into the picture. I felt so worthless on so many levels. I needed to move on from him for various reasons, but this other woman was the main one. I will not fight over a man, especially someone who clearly does not care about me and my well-being. I alienated a lot of my friends because I could not talk to Leech about my emotions because I knew he didn't care about my feelings. So all I had to share my pain with was my friends. I put them through many nights of sadness and tears. For this, I sincerely apologize. It took about 8 months to say this (and feel free to quote me because it's public) I want to date someone who wants me on a holistic level.
I do not regret my time with Leech. He was the first person to show me that I had walls and I was capable of taking them down. He also showed me all of the things that I do not want in a relationship. He also showed me that I do want intimacy, and its a basic human emotion that everyone desires. It does not make you weak. Finding the right companion that complements you perfectly makes you able to live a happy, more fulfilled life. That is what I want. Leech could not give it to me. I am ready to let him go and find someone else.
I have learned a lot from Leech. I still do not have many answers on love, but I do know this. Finding someone to open up to and share things with is a beautiful thing. I did not get it right this time, but I live in a city with 2.1 million people. I'm ready to dust myself off and try again.
Good-bye Leech. And thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)