Backtrack to Move Forward

     It has been a month since I have blogged. Not because I have been especially busy, but because I did not feel like I have anything worth writing about. My life has been pretty monotonous--- working at my retail job, continuing to reading and cross books off of my list, and continuing to work out and become a more healthy individual physically. It's a very comforting feeling to know that I am taking care of myself and my needs. I have always been a sensitive person who has never dealt with the fact that I was sensitive person. In other words, for a long time, I haven't been coping with emotions. Not coping with emotions leads to a massive build up of emotions which is the most overwhelming experience because you are literally a prisoner of your own mind. I have been finding ways to cope with situations when they happen so that I do not get to the point of where I am lost in my own thoughts and I cannot find my way back. Everyday, I learn something different about how I cope-- sometimes it's for the better. But other times, I do something that I think will make me feel better and it doesn't. Last Friday, I did something that made me feel like I had back tracked  on all of the progress that I had made.
       For the past week, Leech found his way back into my life and informed me that he broke up with his girlfriend and he was ready to be more sensitive to my needs. After a week of telling him no, I caved last Friday and I saw him. I'll let my readers fill in the blanks from this point on.
        For the rest of the weekend, I just could not wrap my head around how I allowed him back into my life. What is so wonderful about someone who does treat you respectfully and appreciate you for the person you are? After everything that he has put me through (the 9 months of mindfucking me and playing games and treating me like I was nothing),  how could I do this to myself? Am I certifiable? Am I a sadomasochist? As these questions are running through my mind, I realized something. I have never asked myself these questions before. I need to find out why I went back.
        Friday, I was feeling so vulnerable about everything that was going on in my life that he seemed like the proper comfort.  While I was teaching, he was a short-term form of comfort, so I was ready to take the little bit of happiness he was going to provide for me. But, in the end, he didn't give me any of that. I woke up feeling like I had worked so hard to get over my anger towards him, and I just backtracked about 10,000 steps. But at the end of it all, one thought was constantly with me--- this is not what I deserve and I want something better. Something more meaningful and something that will make me feel good about myself. Leech does not make me feel anything of those things.
        This was the last time Leech will be making any kind of appearance in my life. I think it is going to be awhile before I let someone in my life in a similar capacity. I have never been a serious relationship, but I do not think that I am ready for one just yet. I think I am ready to enjoy being single. For a long time, I have been single and looking for a relationship. Then I recognized that constantly looking for a relationship and being a serial dater are the same thing. Both situations mean that you are not content with who you are.  I want to accept myself for who I am and see the wonderful things my friends see in me when I look in the mirror. I want to continue to find out things about myself and become the person I enjoy spending time with. Being alone does not mean being lonely. When I feel that I am content with myself, that's when I will be able to recognize the characteristics and traits of what a relationship looks like to me. But, not before.
        I needed to see Leech one last time to completely understand that he has not changed. He WILL not change for me. I hope that he finds someone special. He deserves that. We all do. I want to find someone nice who will treat me with the respect I deserve. But, I need to treat myself with respect and dignity first before I can expect someone else to reciprocate.