Yesterday, I woke up with an "attitude." Not a rude attitude, but more like a funk (people who know me, know that I rarely get like that). As the day continued, the "attitude" got worse. Although I had been trying to make the best of my situation, yesterday, I broke down completely. I know I'm not perfect, I have no idea what I have ever done so terribly to deserve all of this misfortune. I do not deserve to not have a full time job, I do not deserve to not continue on in education, like the rest of the people I know in Houston, and I do not deserve to feel like I am wasting my life by doing nothing. I really try to not get caught up in the negative. I desperately try to focus on making myself healthy, happy, and complete. Some days it is harder to do this than others and yesterday was a HARD day.
After a traumatic experience, like what I went through last year, starting over and rebuilding my life seems like the most daunting experience ever imaginable. From my professional life to my love life, I feel like I am hitting the "reset button" on myself and I am exploring everything about me, asking myself some really reflective questions: What do I want to do with my life? Am I really enjoying all of this free time? Should I go back home? Should I move to another city, like Austin or New Orleans? Should I go back to school? It's a lot to handle! I do not have any answers to these questions, yet. But, I know they will come with time. Despite this jumble of feelings. one thing is explicitly clear---- this past year has drastically changed me and I have no choice but to rebuild my life. This blog post is dedicated to my exploration into three words that I feel best describe my current situation in Houston: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The Good. I have really great days--- days where I feel like all I need is my retail job, hot yoga, reading, and a good glass of red wine to make it in this world. These days are amazing for so many reasons. On these days, hot yoga makes me feel ready to conquer anything that comes my way and my retail job lets me build some awesome relationships with my clients and my co-workers. These days also involve me getting in my chair with a cup of green tea, a blanket, and reading a book. There is no greater feeling than getting lost in an amazing story and forgetting the time. Those days are amazing. I have not had time to just enjoy the simple things in life in a long time. For little to no money, on these days, I feel like I am slowly coming back to the person I lost last year. I am becoming someone I enjoy spending time with.
The Bad. Then, there are days where I look at my $200,000 degree and wonder if I will make use of my invaluable education and the various talents I have to offer an employer. These are the days that I am absolutely disgusted that I got screwed by a mission I was once so proud to be a part of. These are the days that the jealousy that I have for my friends, who are able to continue with what they came to Houston, for flares up. These are the days that I throw myself into my books or exercise, and try not to get upset that I am not doing the "bigger and better" things I deserve to be doing. On these days, I wonder if I should pack up my belongings into my car, and just drive out of Houston and out of the misery.
The Ugly. The absolute worst are the days that I miss my kids with a deep pain and want more than anything to run to the nearest school and impact children again. How is it possible that despite how awful last year was, that all I want to do is work with children is some way? Last year made me want to run away from all schools. I am convinced that if I walked into any school, at this moment, I would have a panic attack. How ironic is it that I still want to find a way to work with children? How do I channel the passion that I have for educational equity that this organization has fostered in me without feeling angry with them? That's a hard pill to swallow--how do I get over the trauma of last year and try to work with children again? These are the worst days because I can only identify these feelings with one word: confusion.
It took me writing this blog post to realize that I have a lot of feelings and emotions bottled up inside me. It also made me realize that I am dedicated to sorting all of my feelings out. I am going to channel all of my emotions, hesitations, and anxieties into making my life bigger and better than before. It is a hard road to walk on, and yesterday made that irrevocably clear. But I have a feeling that something amazing is waiting for me on the other side. Finding out who you are is not going to be pretty all of the time, but it's a process that everyone has to go through in their lives, especially when your monotonous lifestyle in turned upside down suddenly. But, I know that I am going to be a better person for this. I am exploring all aspects of my life and asking myself honest and hard questions. But, I know it's all going to work out in the end. In the words of Lupe Fiasco: "I know I have flaws, I know I am not perfect. But, all of the ups and downs will be worth it... when I get there."
After substitute teaching for a year in Brooklyn I knew that I did not want to teach anymore.
ReplyDeleteDespite the fact I spent the better part of four years student teaching and tutoring to become a teacher. Despite the fact that I told everyone and their mother (literally through admissions information sessions) that I wanted to impact the lives of students by being the best teacher that I could. Despite the fact that I spent hours perfecting my educational ideologies and thinking about what my classroom would look like and how students would treat each other.
For me it just didn’t work. I had a lot of good days when I was able to feel like I was connecting with students and giving them a different understanding of the work. But I mostly had a lot of bad days when students ignored me and a lot of ugly days when students cursed me out, started fights and I ended up going home crying frustrated with the lack of support that I was receiving. I had never felt so disrespected in my life.
I spent this summer (and I suppose months before that) really trying to think of my way out. There was no way that I wanted to become a teacher anymore. I wanted to impact students but also enjoy what I was doing. I felt like I was stuck in a sea of confusion but I had to just keep reflecting and connecting with people (and learning what paths they took) to gain clarity. Luckily I was able to find work at A Better Chance so I am able to work with parents and students using my admissions skills and my knowledge of education.
I can honestly say that I know that I want to stay in education but I’m realizing that my skills might be used somewhere other than the classroom. I can still get that joy of connecting with students through tutoring and volunteering.
You will only realize how lucky you were to get away from it all when you reach your next phase which will take some time, reflection and sadly a lot of bad and ugly days.